too much internets.
July 27, 2010
July 16, 2010
I was going through my journal the other and decided to scan a couple of things that I still liked, even after months or years.
I used to draw a lot more, but now the inspiration or urge comes less and less. I don't know why this has happened; probably something to do with a general deepening loss of self-esteem. Whoops!
On another separate note, I feel very contented right now. I am swaddled in my tiredness, my apartment, and being locked away from the world on this very hot night in a cool room. I am listening to Psapp and have a darling kitty at my feet and I'm tending to my little artworks, and thoughts too; and I feel it's all I ever really need sometimes. Just some quiet time to be me.
June 26, 2010
June 24, 2010
April 5, 2010
I don't like writing posts about my feelings; I think it gets repetitive and boring after a while. But right now, I can't seem to help myself!
I'm feeling some frustration with a change that's going on in my world. I am in transition mode; switching jobs, which is a totally new experience with me. I'm trying to pinpoint exactly what the icky feeling is that I'm trying to hard to shake off but I can't. Last week, it was the icky second interview at the place that eventually hired me, but today I realized that it's the strange things my boss said to me which sort of linger in the air and are hovering around me. And the ickiest part is, that even though I kind of stood up for myself, I could've done it a lot more, which sort of proves her whole point. Why do I have to be so damned diplomatic all the time? I'm not naturally aggressive when it comes to dealing with people, because frankly, that's not how I like to be dealt with. Do unto others, etc...
I could continue to feel this way, which I probably will, until I leave. The stress of wrapping up, of knowing I'm finally leaving Awkward Boss Land, of planning a national event, it's all overwhelming. I'm excited but also petrified of starting at a new place where I know no one and feel like I will know nothing. But then thank God the Juanly voice creeps into my head. I have to reassure myself that I was hired for a reason, that I was deemed capable, etc. etc. etc.
...So I simply must have confidence.
I suppose what bothers me most in all of this is that things go unsaid. People continue to be poor managers, and others, like myself, continue to let people be bad managers because they are timid and constantly unsure of themselves until someone really pushes their buttons and makes them think or even GASP! act. Even though our society so often preaches confidence, I feel that very few people really have it. I guess confidence is all outward then, because I seldom truly feel it from within. The only reassurance I've gotten that I'm not a complete moron in the past 2 years is being in grad school. If it weren't for that, I think confidence would not even be a part of my vocabulary.