April 5, 2010

Air

I don't like writing posts about my feelings; I think it gets repetitive and boring after a while. But right now, I can't seem to help myself!

I'm feeling some frustration with a change that's going on in my world. I am in transition mode; switching jobs, which is a totally new experience with me. I'm trying to pinpoint exactly what the icky feeling is that I'm trying to hard to shake off but I can't. Last week, it was the icky second interview at the place that eventually hired me, but today I realized that it's the strange things my boss said to me which sort of linger in the air and are hovering around me. And the ickiest part is, that even though I kind of stood up for myself, I could've done it a lot more, which sort of proves her whole point. Why do I have to be so damned diplomatic all the time? I'm not naturally aggressive when it comes to dealing with people, because frankly, that's not how I like to be dealt with. Do unto others, etc...

I could continue to feel this way, which I probably will, until I leave. The stress of wrapping up, of knowing I'm finally leaving Awkward Boss Land, of planning a national event, it's all overwhelming. I'm excited but also petrified of starting at a new place where I know no one and feel like I will know nothing. But then thank God the Juanly voice creeps into my head. I have to reassure myself that I was hired for a reason, that I was deemed capable, etc. etc. etc.
...So I simply must have confidence.

I suppose what bothers me most in all of this is that things go unsaid. People continue to be poor managers, and others, like myself, continue to let people be bad managers because they are timid and constantly unsure of themselves until someone really pushes their buttons and makes them think or even GASP! act. Even though our society so often preaches confidence, I feel that very few people really have it. I guess confidence is all outward then, because I seldom truly feel it from within. The only reassurance I've gotten that I'm not a complete moron in the past 2 years is being in grad school. If it weren't for that, I think confidence would not even be a part of my vocabulary.

2 comments:

Alek said...

You know, often I find that you're really hard on yourself and/or a bad judge of your character or how you come across. Obviously I don't really know this because I only know the inner Schwes, BUT, I think the evidence speaks for itself...

You always get all worked up before classes, papers, presentations...and then they ALWAYS go well and the class and teachers are happy and impressed.
You get so worked up over jobe interviews, but, lo and behold, you get the jobs! How many of our friends got a job right after graduating (or before in your case!)? How many people in America right now are getting hired for a new job!? You've obviously got your head on straight, and must be doing many things right.

I have seen your timid side occasionally. And you're right, I think it is really important to stand up for yourself, and I don't think you do that enough. But you can't completely change your personality, and you can't and shouldn't do things that you wouldn't want people to do to you.

I think maybe the biggest problem, and we've talked about it before, is that you often let this anxiety take over your life...and my point is, I don't think it's often that rooted in reality. Obviously, you're starting a new job, have this huge thing to plan, school, new new new...anyone would be nervous and anxious. But why you take it to the next level of doubting yourself, despite all the evidence to the contrary of your excellence, I do not understand.

Riffo said...

GOOD THINGS YOU SAID.

Anxiety is never rooted in reality; that's the whole problem; it's just a series of thoughts and negative scenarios which repeat in your head. It's hard for someone who is easily made nervous to stop feeling that way, regardless of whether they understand the actual consequences of their situation.

I do think, and this is a weird thing to say, that some people (like me) like to psych themselves out, and run on anxiety or nervous energy to get things done in otherwise normal situations. The downside to this is that 1) you look like a crazy person sometimes, and 2) you can make yourself sick.

FUN!
Anyway the things you said are important to internalize. I've learned many lessons about personal integrity and human interaction just from working in a stupid office.