Right now

From Blogger Pictures

Memory Foam

the dent you've made is bigger than we really realize.

Scannery

I was going through my journal the other and decided to scan a couple of things that I still liked, even after months or years.

I used to draw a lot more, but now the inspiration or urge comes less and less. I don't know why this has happened; probably something to do with a general deepening loss of self-esteem. Whoops!

On another separate note, I feel very contented right now. I am swaddled in my tiredness, my apartment, and being locked away from the world on this very hot night in a cool room. I am listening to Psapp and have a darling kitty at my feet and I'm tending to my little artworks, and thoughts too; and I feel it's all I ever really need sometimes. Just some quiet time to be me.

Thursday is the new Friday

Friday I went to the gym, OKAY!?

On Parenthood

TRUE FACT: Cats ARE NOT babies

They are better.

Air

I don't like writing posts about my feelings; I think it gets repetitive and boring after a while. But right now, I can't seem to help myself!

I'm feeling some frustration with a change that's going on in my world. I am in transition mode; switching jobs, which is a totally new experience with me. I'm trying to pinpoint exactly what the icky feeling is that I'm trying to hard to shake off but I can't. Last week, it was the icky second interview at the place that eventually hired me, but today I realized that it's the strange things my boss said to me which sort of linger in the air and are hovering around me. And the ickiest part is, that even though I kind of stood up for myself, I could've done it a lot more, which sort of proves her whole point. Why do I have to be so damned diplomatic all the time? I'm not naturally aggressive when it comes to dealing with people, because frankly, that's not how I like to be dealt with. Do unto others, etc...

I could continue to feel this way, which I probably will, until I leave. The stress of wrapping up, of knowing I'm finally leaving Awkward Boss Land, of planning a national event, it's all overwhelming. I'm excited but also petrified of starting at a new place where I know no one and feel like I will know nothing. But then thank God the Juanly voice creeps into my head. I have to reassure myself that I was hired for a reason, that I was deemed capable, etc. etc. etc.

...So I simply must have confidence.

I suppose what bothers me most in all of this is that things go unsaid. People continue to be poor managers, and others, like myself, continue to let people be bad managers because they are timid and constantly unsure of themselves until someone really pushes their buttons and makes them think or even GASP! act. Even though our society so often preaches confidence, I feel that very few people really have it. I guess confidence is all outward then, because I seldom truly feel it from within. The only reassurance I've gotten that I'm not a complete moron in the past 2 years is being in grad school. If it weren't for that, I think confidence would not even be a part of my vocabulary.

Portrait of the Cat as a Young Cat

Reason number 1,094,028 my Romy is awesome: She knows how to model, and looks good while

doing it.

Past, Present, Pending

It's hard dealing with a death in the family. It signifies a lot of things; changes I had played around as hypothetical situations but couldn't entirely envision suddenly became real. These thoughts and feelings of loss have weighed heavy on my mind since May, when my grandfather passed away. I wasn't able to grasp what life meant until I saw it leaving someone I loved dearly. I still think about how he looked mere moments after he passed; not at all like the person I knew. His mouth was open and his jaw was askew, his nose had thinned and he had taken on a yellow color; the only thing I could think was that the life had been sucked out of him. I was not disturbed at the sight, only shocked because I had never seen a body before. I understood that his body and soul were no longer together; that his soul had left the world, but we still wept for him and for what we know is inevitable for everyone.

And now I think about it all the time, especially at night when I am drifting to sleep. Unfortunately because it's the most recent memory I have of his life, what has stayed with me is watching him in his last days, struggling with something; struggling physically and mentally to stay with us. Maybe he was trying to stay for us, to tell us something before he left; I am entirely sure he knew he was at the very end of his life, and knowing that he knew this was the hardest part of all.

***

This ongoing feeling of loss has been complicated (in good and bad ways) by these pictures my cousin scanned the other day. It's bizarre seeing snapshots of family members you could never imagine as children; that they were young too, and never thought of the rest of their lives, and what we know about them now. These photographs also speak to broken bonds between brothers, sisters, and cousins; family members lost in the span of time and place--things we are still dealing with today in our family. I almost can't wrap my head around it; it brings to life all those memories my grandfather would share with me about his childhood.

My great-grandparents and all 8 of their children. Dadu is the boy on the right holding his baby brother

Five of the siblings together. The kid in the white kurta on the right is Dadu. The resemblance to my one of my cousins at that age is uncanny

The girl reading is my grand-aunt (my grandfather's sister he was closest to, especially when they moved to New York). I'm guessing that's my great-grandfather and another sister to her side, and possibly Dadu in the background

We guess this is the wedding procession (either before or after) my grandparents' wedding. My grandmother is in the in the center, wearing a garland, dark lipstick and glasses

Dadu's closest brother, grown up, with my uncle in the backseat. He's also the other boy in the second picture

My aunt and uncle (brother and sister) on the right, and their first cousins (they were pretty much all like siblings since their father was killed when they were babies). My guess is that this is before 1953, when my dad was born

The same 4 a little bit older; my guess is 1954. Sweet sweaters

The little boy is my dad, and next to him his big sister, playing with their cousin in the background. When I saw this, I instantly knew it was him. I had the same baby-arms stance, the same little face and big eyes

My dad posing with his tricycle. This one just tickles me

For me, it will take a while to process these images, and all that my generation carries on our faces & in our blood: the unmistakable resemblances to our mothers, fathers, uncles, aunts and great-grandparents. But as we look back we can't help but mourn those who were like us at one time; young, healthy, living life and looking ahead.

I think what strikes me the most is the legacy of the photograph. One day our grandchildren and great-grandchildren will look at the thousands of pictures of us (all in color, and far more candid), and try to write narratives about our histories and our relationships with one another. They will know far more, and they will carry something too, I guess.

SCHWES

It's almost my Schwes's birfay! Which means, in essence, it's almost my birthday and I should be getting presents too, but I probably won't.

Sad :(

Cats

I like cats, and draw them on the back of my business cards (putting them to better use).

The Burqa Dance

So I'm pretty uncertain where I lie on this issue. While I do not support the burqa or niqab, I think that going as far as outlawing a garment, and not adhering to the Western liberal principle of giving people the right to express themselves seems like a form of reverse fundamentalism to me. Tolerance is what so-called "progressive" Western European nations pride themselves on, yet this is a popular movement based on intolerance of personal religious faith (even though I take this form of adherence to Islam to be utterly wrong and even embarrassing). Still, I think taking the burqa or niqab as a stamp of religious extremism is an incorrect assumption. A symbolic war is no way of addressing fear of terrorism, and actively excludes populations who already feel hostility from the government for simply existing.

This Times article says, "Critics of the veils have described them as a tool of extremism, a hindrance to women’s rights and an affront to France’s cherished secularity." I understand and obviously support secularism; but it's not like Islamic militants are imposing Shari'a law on the French government. What's really amazing is that the French government feels like it's being invaded by extremist Muslims, which gives you an idea how it perceives and deals with its immigrants.

For the record, I'm okay with the hijab (head scarf), but I don't understand women or girls who wear a hijab but then pair it with a tight pair of jeans and a tiny shirt. I guess that's done more for the appeal of looking exotic or something, but it screams ignorance to me. I've also only ever seen a small handful of women wearing niqabs or full-blown burqas out in public in NYC. It actually scared me a little, seeing someone in a giant sheet, with no face, not really moving, just sitting there on the N train. Not knowing what's underneath gives me the creeps. So, in short, burqas make me cringe; and I do not think that anything was written in the Qur'an that ever intended women to cover up to that extent.

I am still not sure how I feel about the 2004 ban on all religious gear in public schools. In grade school, seeing someone wearing a hijab, a cross, an Om, a star of David, or whatever else was a way of learning about who they were and what they maybe believed. Taking that away from children is removing a form of tolerance that needs to be developed in order for there to ever be dialogue. In any case, it's fascinating how committed France is to its identity as a nation, and what they will strive to do in order to think they are getting all of its different populations on the same page...because I don't think that can ever happen.