I feel like my brain is wrecked. It's like I have to use it for all this stupid shit, meanwhile any desire to read a book or do something creative has been completely sucked out of me. I know why, generally speaking; but I think there should be specifics regarding these choices I make.
I go to work everyday. Every morning I wonder, "Do I have to?" or "Should I call in sick?". Then I remember there's something to do and I haven an obligation in order to earn money, not necessarily to contribute to the household, but more or less for my own necessities and selfish reasons (I buy things to ease the pain, I am working on this flaw). Everyday I sit on the train and pretend to sleep, while only thinking incessantly, and dealing with tension all over my body sitting in a cramped seat next to some fat ass.
Everyday I talk to people on google chat. Everyday I find ways to pass the time, whether with work or my own little chores. Everyday I wonder why the bitch who shares my cube has to apply her cheap stinky lotion every 5 minutes (literally), and I feel very angry because she is being passive aggressive when I asked her to please stop twice. Everyday I eat lunch, and get coffee at 2 or 3 with colleagues. I leave at 5 or 5:30 latest. If I go straight home, I reach there around 6:30. If I don't, I see Juanly and we do something together. Sometimes I see other folks, which I wish was more often. Having friends who love you is rare, having those people in close proximity is rarer.
If I go home, I change into sweats, eat dinner and watch tv. Then every other day I work out for about 40 minutes. I stretch, take a shower, dry my hair and sit on my bed with my laptop. Then I call Juanly and we talk between 30 minutes to an hour. Then I fall asleep, wake up and do it all over again.
I don't know how to feel.
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2 comments:
It took me a long while to get into a routine I enjoyed...up until this past month, actually. I guess you just have to figure out what works for you over time. I like my routine, because it's full of things that I find helpful and meaningful (for example, listening to jazz and reading all those books I always meant to get to (and I mean ALWAYS) instead of wasting time watching anything on TV that I don't love so much it makes me happy to know it's on that night). This might change in a few months, who knows, but it's kind of an evolving process.
PS - what happened to all that scanning and posting you were going to do?
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